In the past, I would deem an experience or opportunity too good to be true and would unconsciously create ways to screw it up before I could get “screwed over.” And if I didn’t necessarily screw it up, I wouldn’t allow myself to fully be present and enjoy what was taking place because I would be in my head overthinking the entire time. Looking back, the root of my behavior at the time was well-intentioned — I thought I was protecting myself and preventing myself from getting hurt or getting my hopes up. So much so that I robbed myself of the goodness that life was trying to offer me.
Over the past year or so, I’ve been getting acquainted with new thoughts, new beliefs, new processes, and new ways of being. For one, I’ve learned how to slow down and calm down. I don’t find myself as anxious, worried, and frantic as I once was or in such a rush. I’m learning how to trust that I have time and to not allow myself to be seduced by a false sense of urgency. As someone who has intensely burnt out several times in her late teens-early twenties, I’ve become incredibly intentional about pace and what’s on my plate. I often joke that I’ve gotten soft (lol), but if it means my sanity and well-being are intact then so be it.
I’ve been putting into practice a technique my counselor shared with me called “rewriting the narrative.” Meaning I’ve been replacing and reprogramming the limiting thoughts, beliefs, or outdated narratives I’ve been told or taken on as my own with narratives that feel more true, aligned, and empowering for who I am and who I desire to be. For instance, I’ve been highly creative and passionate about writing, art, and expression since I was a little girl. Although I was granted the time and space to nurture these parts of myself, it was constantly poured into me that pursuing creative endeavors professionally would mean I would run the risk of being a “starving artist.” That art and creativity weren’t safe, stable, or secure means to build a life on or around. The creative bug that bit me as a kid never left, so it’s been more useful and empowering for me to affirm that creativity is profitable and it’s possible for artists to not only survive but to thrive. (And we’re seeing proof of this refined narrative unfold right before our eyes!)
As I’ve been “doing the work” and reprogramming, I’ve also been blessed with a support system that pours into me and affirms (verbally and through their actions) that it’s okay (and safe) for me to live an easeful, vibrant, peaceful, joyful, abundant, and prosperous life. This feels great to my nervous system, but sometimes it feels wrong to experience life from this new narrative because I’m still getting acquainted with it. So much of my upbringing equated success, “making it,” and having a nice life with struggling, stress, suffering, and adversity. Very much “all my life I had to fight” type energy. I always hoped, prayed, and believed there was another way, and now I’m experiencing that there is. On one hand, I’m immensely grateful, but there’s also guilt, suspicion, and imposter syndrome that comes with it. Who am I to experience this? I know I’m worthy and deserving, but am I really? Did I work hard enough if I’m not stressed and clawing tooth and nail for what I desire? What about those who came before me who had to struggle? What’s the catch? Sometimes I dilute myself and my experiences not only because of this inherited narrative that says that our validity is measured by how hard we’ve struggled but also because of the fear of being seen and the fear of outshining. I never want to feel like I’m boasting or bragging, so sometimes I turn it down a notch. But why have we made it seem like life can’t really be that good? Why is there shame in talking about how good things are? I’m realizing firsthand that sometimes there really is no catch, no fluke, or no glitch. I no longer hold my breath expecting the worst, because what we expect, we tend to get.
A question I’ve loved asking and challenging myself with lately is — how good am I willing to allow things to get? How much goodness, love, opportunity, expansion, abundance, etc., am I willing to allow to come into my life? Am I gonna let myself live my best life? And not only that. Am I gonna let myself live and experience my best life on a consistent basis? The easy answer here might be a resounding duh, yes, absolutely, or of course! Who wouldn’t want that? But I’ve seen within myself how it can take practice to embrace and embody more joy, pleasure, ease, and abundance (if that’s not the narrative you’re used to) without self-sabotaging, getting in the way, or questioning/overthinking it.
Most times when we think of our best life, we think of the material things — the car, the clothes, the shoes, the house, the money. These are all great, but when I ask, how good am I willing to let things get I’m not solely referring to the big, earth-shattering things. It’s also in the small, everyday interactions and experiences. Like, am I gonna let someone compliment me without deflecting or downplaying? Am I gonna let someone pay for something for me without insisting that they don’t? Am I gonna allow myself to be in my body and be fully present in a moment of goodness instead of being in my head? These encounters may seem small, unsuspecting, and not that big of a deal, but like with anything, they compound over time. This is how we get to practice experiencing and allowing goodness in. This is how our tolerance for goodness grows and expands. I’ve never heard anyone outwardly say, “I’m having such a good day, let me find a way to ruin it” but that’s what we unconsciously do when we deflect, worry, overthink, downplay, and don’t allow ourselves to receive and feel the goodness.
It can be uncomfortable rewriting a narrative that once seemed like truth. Once we’ve believed something or lived life a certain way for so long it almost becomes a default setting. And I know firsthand how those default settings don’t go out without a fight. I know life will never be 100% perfect or flawless, but I do believe we deserve and are capable of having a feel-good story in all areas of our lives. No, none of it is too good to be true. It doesn’t all have to be heavy. It doesn’t all have to hurt. Life will be challenging on its own without us self-inflicting extra stress or suffering. How would it feel to get acquainted with what’s fulfilling even if it doesn’t feel familiar? How would it feel to get out of the way and allow more goodness in? Will you let yourself live your best life?
