Any black girl who’s scrolled on social media in the past few years (particularly TikTok), has hopefully had some exposure to the black girl luxury and abundance movement. Through content and conversations on manifesting abundance and luxury living, and destigmatizing hypergamy (marrying up), the ‘Soft Life’ movement has emerged. Although many cultures have adapted these values, black women in particular have been met with a great deal of pushback online from those who enforce harmful rhetoric, that black women must struggle and suffer in order to receive proper love and commitment.
But what does this essence truly mean to us? ‘Soft Life’ practices are a means of self-care and empowerment. In a culture that frequently tries to devalue our value and strength, it’s considered a way to regain control over our own bodies, feelings, and stories. Black women are making a statement about freedom to express their complete humanity by embracing sensitivity and tenderness, thus defying the rigid stereotypes that have historically limited us. These limitations and ideals of us being these strong “super beings” go as far back as slavery, and our bodies were being used in studies by doctors like Marlon Sims, who was deemed the “father of gynecology”, despite performing gruesome experiments on black women. He operated under the overall stereotype that black women still face in medicine, that our bodies are “stronger” and we do not experience as much pain as our non-black counterparts.
Historically in our community, masculinity has been associated with traits like strength, dominance, and emotional stoicism, often at the expense of vulnerability and tenderness. The idea of Black women reclaiming our autonomy through embracing sensitivity and tenderness, challenges these traditional notions of masculinity. What was once accepted is now being challenged.
From personal experience, as the older sister of four other brothers, I was always held in high regard. The highest GPAs in schools, the most activities, the most polished, never leaving room for too many mistakes but just enough to have basic teenage experiences. However, later on, watching men in my family who were not held in the same regard live freely and be treated softly by their spouses made me question a lot. Ultimately, I was questioning my own expectations, upbringing, and views on my femininity and what I wanted to craft it to be.
Alchemical transformation is often associated with themes of purification, regeneration, and transcendence. It is a journey of self-discovery and growth, where individuals confront their inner struggles, face their shadow selves, and ultimately emerge transformed and renewed. This process may involve confronting and integrating aspects of oneself that have been repressed or denied, leading to greater wholeness and authenticity.
Being able to finally reprogram harsh upbringings and experiences into a lifestyle of ‘softness’ is both a choice and a consistent practice to be upkept. Often, there’s a misconception that living a ‘soft life’ is a superficial remedy to the internal issues we all may face, when that’s not it at all. Living a soft life means embracing peace, leaning into what makes you happy, and releasing the bad for good.
Here are some ways I have been able to transform my “lead into gold” by leaning into a softer life while embracing the imperfections of personal growth and self love:
- Find Community Outside of Romance: A lot of times ‘Soft Life’ is built around just the narrative of romance, but it should also be about developing hobbies and building platonic communities with people who enjoy doing the same things as you. Whether it be finding social groups in your local areas, volunteering, or emerging in community spaces like churches, schools, or recreation centers – let love guide you. For example, if you’re someone who loves to read, the library or online communities like Well Read Black Girl can be spaces that will give you the community you seek.
- Consider Therapy as an Intentional Choice: Therapy is just as important as a dentist or doctor appointment. Your mental health influences how you navigate the world, and in order to truly live a life of ease, you want to make sure your mind feels that sense of tranquility. Networks like Therapy for Black Girls and Psychololgy Today have helped me find therapists near me for at least 7 years.
- Regularly Cleanse your Space: As hard as it is sometimes, try to keep your space as clean as possible. Sometimes that’s the first step in making your day better, even down to burning some sage or palo santo to clear out the energy from that sneaky link you debated about having over (do you, sis!).
- Give yourself Grace: When you were a kid and made mistakes, you probably had adults easily scowl at you or get frustrated at you for making mistakes, whether it be teachers, parents, or siblings. You owe it to your inner child to give yourself some love and patience. Communicate positively with yourself and bestow upon yourself the affection that you seek; that love is not attainable elsewhere.
Living a “soft life” is not about avoiding challenges or indulging in superficial remedies. As a black woman who is just reaching a point of understanding this, I have been able to embrace having a “soft life” with day-to-day lifestyle adjustments. It’s about embracing peace, prioritizing personal happiness, and releasing negativity. Through practices such as accepting and letting go, seeking therapy as essential self-care, cultivating diverse sources of fulfillment beyond romance, maintaining a clean and energetically positive environment, and redefining compassion to include self-love and patience, I’ve been able to transform my life to a point of growth and contentment. By leaning into the softer aspects of our own existence, we not only nurture our own well-being, but also create a foundation for genuine connection and fulfillment in all aspects of life. While shedding the layers of socially imposed conformity, we restore natural fragility and gentleness.