When was the last time you felt at ease while being knee-deep in the persona or pursuit of perfection? Take a moment to pause and consider some of the most recent instances that you’ve aimed to do, or get something perfect. Now reflect on if it actually worked out for your greater good. If my hunch is right, the honest answer to that question is no, rarely has the intention of perfection, actually resulted in it. In full transparency, I’ve been there more than I would like to admit, and the quality of my life has suffered greatly because of it. Actually, the majority of my adult life has been consumed with the unconscious habit of requiring perfection in all areas.
Perfectionism is seen as the refusal to accept any standard short of perfection; it is the constant strive for flawlessness, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations. In short and simply put, it is the never ending, exhausting cycle of being without satisfaction and striving for what is unattainable — which is no healthy way to live.
The act of striving for perfection is a plague that exists as the common pitfall of many, but more specifically, Black women. As I consider the why of this tendency, I cannot help but to think of it a generational tradition, despite the fact that it has rarely afforded any of us the opportunity or space to simply be.
When it dawned on me how this practice was negatively impacting my life, I then understood that if I wanted to live an enjoyable life, the cycle of seeking perfection had to be abandoned. There was and is no viable room for the seeking of perfection and quality of life, at least not for me. Truthfully, I believe (and hopefully you will too) that life is more enjoyable for everyone without the pressure perfection causes.
Consider Perfectionism as a Tradition Worth Abandoning
As Black women, the belief that working harder and more efficiently just to get a fraction of what the next non-Black or non-woman will receive has been embedded into us. It is a hard truth we have always had to be aware of. And though we are often not openly regarded as such, we are the thread that binds and holds our families and selves together. We’re consistently taught that responsibility and excellence are the unforgiving standard and expectation for us. We see the strive for perfection as not just a guarantee to acquire success but as our sole option.
Over and over again, we have witnessed the fixation of perfection play out for women both in our immediate families or communities. Whether they’ve appeared to obtain success or not, we continue to follow in their footsteps, because it’s all we’ve ever witnessed and known as a way to navigate life as Black women. However, just because this tradition is all we’ve ever known, it does not mean we cannot re-structure that which has proven detrimental to our overall quality of living: mentally, physically, spirituality, and so on. With anything that does not serve us, we have to realize the opportunity to abandon traditions that no longer serve our greater good.
Take Back your Power from Perfection
When you consider all of the ways that you’ve leaned on perfection as a goal or motivator, how often has it poured back into you what you’ve poured into it? We do ourselves such a disservice when we give to anything or anyone that does not provide space to grow, or be satisfied with anything.
The act of giving, I’m convinced, is in our DNA make-up as Black women. We have the natural urge and knack for giving, providing, and making a way out of nothing because honestly if not us then who? But in the same breath, as much as we have given in regards to acquiring perfection, we have been robbed of much more — often being left feeling depleted more than anything else. Being in pursuit of, or maintaining the persona of perfection can take its toll in the form of chronic stress, depression, anxiety, self criticism, self resentment, and a weighing sense of failure.
None of which are fair when you consider how much refusing to focus on flawlessness has to offer in more ways than one. I understand that shedding the practice of perfection is easier said than done, but at the very least, consider how much it has taken when measuring how much it has actually afforded you.
Reclaim your Mind Over Time
Sometime unlearning is just as important as learning and healing. Once I decided that I had no space for perfection to dominate my life, I surveyed my life in several areas. Those areas were mental, physical, emotional, and financial just to name a few. I also considered major and minor stressors in my life where the pursuit of perfection drove me to fixate when in actuality — it was never that deep.
The change I wanted to make was not going to happen overnight, and soon I realized that my desire for my mind to switch out of the space I’ve always operated in, was me still lingering in the realm of perfection. So, with baby steps and intentionality I started my journey with two questions: (1) Have I given whatever “it” is my best? (2) Have I done all that I can do without exhausting myself? Asking myself those questions, when I find myself practicing old habits allows me to reset and focus on what’s actually important. Which is to reclaim my mind, and live in a way that allows me to complete tasks to the best of my abilities, without the torture of perfection. This practice has required me to set boundaries for myself, but it has done so much good, making room for more joy and grace than I allowed room for previously.
Much of the healing I’ve done to release perfectionism has not been easy, but with consistency I have gotten to a place where the motto “all I can do is all I can do” settles me, enticing peace with what’s out of my control. More than anything, perfection has been a battle between needing to be in absolute control and allowing my life to be enjoyable without it. To accept that our best is more than enough, validates that we ourselves are more than enough. Grasping that alone has been game changing in the life that I now lead. The most difficult part has been silencing the inner mean girl, that harshest critic, but what keeps me moving forward in this process is the commitment I have, to ensuring this life I’m afforded is as enjoyable as possible. If that means I have to release control and reframe my mind, then so be it because my joy is non-negotiable.
