Parenthood should be a choice, not an expectation. As I’ve gotten older, the picturesque representation of what life was supposed to be like for a woman in this world, has begun to change based on relationships, socioeconomic factors, and my own maturing mindset. Growing up, I used to have an image of the desired life I would live as an adult. I’d be married by 27, have kids by 30, retire by 50 – and so on. Now, in my mid-20s, when my friends and I chat about our life goals, aside from dating woes and job insecurity, the one topic that has undergone the most turnover is having children.
Having friends on opposite sides of the fence has raised the question of whether having children is in the cards anymore – and it seems like we’re not the only ones re-contemplating our adolescent fantasies. According to a 2021 Pew Research Center Study, “non-parents ages 18 to 49 say it is ‘not too likely’ or ‘not likely at all’ that they will have children someday,” a CNBC article states. A “childfree movement” has risen among Gen Z and millennials – while some attribute it to financial or medical issues, there’s one reason in particular that has sparked debate on social media – is having a child a selfish act?
TikTok creator Cierra made a viral video discussing why she doesn’t want to have kids, and how she doesn’t have what she sees as justified reasons for wanting to bring life into the world:
@cierralikeseggs idk like maybe ill change my mind maybe i wont but ill be sexy regardless idk #nothavingkidsisok #whyidontwantkids #kidsarealotofwork #reasonstohavekids #fyp
(Credit: @cierralikeseggs via TikTok)
“I don’t have what I feel like is a valid reason to have a child,” states Cierra in the video. “I feel like majority of times when I ask people why it is they wanna have kids…it’s always a very deeply selfish, narcissistic reason.”
She goes on to list reasons like wanting to carry on a family name or lineage, or not wanting to be alone, which can be interpreted as self-serving.
Creator Chandler Carter stitched Cierra’s video, sharing a similar point of view on why she would be remaining #childfree.
@chandelycia #stitch with @cierra #chandelycia #fyp #childfree
(Credit: @chandelycia via Tiktok)
“I don’t know why but it really strikes a nerve in people when you tell them you want your life to be yours,” said Carter. “While the act of parenting is technically supposed to be selfless, having a child is inherently selfish. I think a lot more people should make the conscious decision to not be parents, instead of thinking that is the next step in life.”
Carter goes on to say how once you become a parent, you are a parent for the rest of your life, and not everyone wants that responsibility. And she raises a notable point; a lot of women automatically think that one of their biggest achievements in life should be having a child, and that that’s the logical next step once you hit a certain milestone. More than that, they feel as if it’s their purpose to dedicate a large part of their livelihood to taking care of said child. Many women took to the comments of both videos to express their agreement on wanting to be child-free, saying how they wanted to spend time traveling, or feel at peace without taking care of someone else.
From the time we’re little girls, we’re conditioned and prepared to take care of a dependent – whether it’s pushing a doll around in a stroller, or feeding it meals as a reflection of our own caregiving. While these may be juvenile, harmless acts in some cases, it also prescribes the sentiment that we always need someone else to take care of, and subconsciously prepares us for the looming phase of adulthood many of us will take on. As we get older, society constantly pressures us to take advantage of our “prime childbearing years”, and make a decision for the rest of our lives when we’re barely halfway through it.
While we typically think of all the positives bringing a baby into the world does to ourselves, what about the pain it can cause for them later on? Do we consider our own emotional trauma and unhealed burdens that we expect our child to support? Do we usually pause and reflect on the financial responsibilities and debt they’ll one day have to acquire? We don’t think about the trials and tribulations they’ll face in their own lives – many times brushing it off with the statement “No one said life would be easy.”
No, rather, we think of ourselves – the pride our offspring will bring us, the legacy they’ll carry on in our name, the way they’ll be able to take care of us when we’re old. Reasons like wanting to raise them well, or wanting to share experiences with them, while seemingly positive, still stem from our own personal desires. In the Black community, we’ve all heard the saying from an elder, “I brought you into this world, I can take you out.” Even from a joking point of view, we automatically assume ownership over our children, presuming that they are on this earth for us and by our doing, and therefore they are to serve our purposes while they’re here.
All that’s not to say that you can’t have a child for the right reasons. There are tons of people in the world with good intentions for being parents, and who are excited to share unconditional love with their offspring. As one commenter so beautifully said, “You have to have the passion to raise a child, not to fix your own trauma, but to pass on that joy and create a human.” However, the key to this statement is having the passion, and true unburdened desire, to love and care for another being – which of course not everyone has, and that’s their prerogative.
To Carter’s point – why does it bother people when you decide that you don’t want the responsibility of caring for someone else for the remainder of your, and their lives? As women, we’re oftentimes forced to choose between living for ourselves or living for others – sacrificing our jobs, friendships, and way of life, when a baby enters the equation. Is it more selfish to want to travel at the drop of a dime or to make decisions without always having to factor in someone who depends on you? Are we selfish if we decide we want to live our life to the fullest without regret?
Whatever future you may be considering for yourself, one thing’s for certain – the status quo is changing. Women are no longer blindly accepting that being a mother is their end-all-be-all, and while speaking up about your desire to not have children may still be considered slightly taboo to some, at least the conversations are being had. Whether selfish or not, having a child should be your decision, free from societal stigmas and familial pressure, and it’s our choice to decide what kind of future we want to have for ourselves.
